2nd Series 03/4 - Thoughts
by Macx
Summary: A tag to Memories


  
**Thoughts**   
by Birgit Staebler

Roller blades spinning wildly beneath his feet, hair tousled and the jacket flying in the wind, the young, red-haired man sped along the lake shore. His eyes were covered by glasses against the biting wind, his face set in an expression that showed a mixture of frustration, anger, pain and even fear. Evading a couple of cyclists, the teenager turned sharply toward the lake's shore, then braked hard. Sand flew up around him and with a simply click he removed the roller blades from his shoes. Cosmo stared out over the lake, eyes hooded, deeply troubled and very much afraid. Few people milled around this time of the year. In summer the beach was packed; now, near the end of autumn, only a few walkers crossed his path as he began to walk. His strides were long, eating up the distance, and his frustration spoke out of every single step.   
He finally reached a secluded spot that was favored by couples in summer because it was so reclusive. No one could look into the shallow cove and the water lapped gently against polished stones. Cosmo sat down on the cooling sand, eyes gazing out over the lake; lost and alone.   
The last conversation with Ace came to mind and he fought the knot forming in his throat and stomach. He was a normal kid! Not special! Not an outsider! Emotional pain lanced through him and tears threatened to fall. He didn't have paranormal powers, damnit!   
_But you felt that Ace was still alive, didn't you?_   
No! Yes.... Oh, damn! It was just because I refused to see the reality!   
_Really? Wasn't it more like you felt and subconsciously knew it?_   
No!   
He clenched his hands into fists and fought the urge to scream out his frustration.   
If he ever mentioned this to his friends..... no, no he wouldn't... he couldn't....!   
Ulene and the others thought Ace was cool because of his magic. They didn't know half of what Cosmo knew about the Magic Force -- and that was pretty much nothing to tell the truth. But, hey yes, Ace was a cool guy. He was an adult, but he left Cosmo his freedom and the few rules there were he could follow easily. Cosmo had realized over the years that he had trained long and hard to achieve this level of magical mastery, and the recent events had shown him just why a magician had to train. An unleashed, untamed Magic Force was incredibly dangerous.   
"But I don't have it!" he whispered. "I'm not different!"   
He had enough talents already that had set him apart from others his age before -- and which had gotten him into a lot of trouble as well. He didn't need this! Cosmo clenched his teeth.   
He wasn't a freak!   
And that was what it was all about. Wielding any kind of power above what society called 'normal' would be called freakish. Being as intelligent as Cosmo was -- that was freakish as well. He had abilities already and they were above what his friends could do and Cosmo frequently shut up when he wanted to add something or other to a conversation, especially when it concerned hacking or computers. His mind was always on overdrive when it came to such problems and he loved solving them. It was a trait that had gotten him the behind-the-scenes job for Ace's shows and it was why Ace trusted him with developing stunts he would perform.   
But psi-stuff...   
No way! No, no, no!   
Still, the little voice was insistent and he remembered how he had felt when Ace had been believed dead. There had been something inside him, small and insistent, telling him that Ace was alive. Then there had been the sudden release of energy, his knees buckling, his whole system filled by a rush he had never experienced before. Now he knew that this sudden change in him had been at the exact same time Ace had freed himself with the Magic Force -- when he had let it flow freely through his body and soul.   
"It can't be!" he whispered intensely.   
But it was, the other voice insisted.   
He had felt Ace's desperate attempt to get free; he had felt Ace's presence while he had been bound and drugged in the hands of this madman.   
His eyes traveled over the churning surface of the lake, waves coming in with more force as the wind grew. The forecast had spelled rain and even a small storm, and Cosmo knew he had to get somewhere dry and warm soon, or be soaked. A glance at his watch told him he had sat here for over three hours already! The darkening sky supported that late hour.   
But Cosmo didn't want to return to the Magic Express. Not yet.... He couldn't go back and face Ace.   
Walking along the shore, Cosmo stuffed his hands into his pockets, brooding. Ace wanted to help, but if he accepted it, Cosmo would admit to having powers, to being a freak. He kicked at some soggy wood that had been washed up onto the shore.   
_Do you even know what you can do?_   
No! And I don't want to!   
_But in the beginning you thought magic was cool. You even entertained thoughts about being like Ace._   
Why can't you shut up! Cosmo screamed silently at the nagging voice.   
He walked for a long time, ignoring the growing wind, the biting cold, and abut everything else happening around him as well. When he looked up he found he had walked to exactly the one place he had not wanted to end up at: the Magic Express.   
_Talk to Ace. He wants to help._   
I don't need his help, he insisted stubbornly. I can handle it! I'm not different!   
His childhood had been hell already, without psi powers, with just his normal abilities. His father had ignored him, his mother had left and he had no idea where she was, and his teachers had told him he was too dumb to even finish highschool. That the boy had been incredibly bright and bored because of the low-grade educational level, no one had discovered. Cosmo had fought for everything in his life, even for life itself, and he had always wanted to be normal. Lead a normal life...   
Huh, right! Normal! Working for Ace Cooper, living in the Magic Express with a pet panther and an AI, and also doubling as a part-time crimefighter. That was not normal! But he didn't want to add paranormal abilities!   
Cosmo sighed deeply, unable to find a way out of it. He was stuck with something he didn't want and didn't need, and his best friend knew about it. Ace was just trying to help and he wanted only his best, but Cosmo wasn't ready for it. He looked at his hands. Ace wielded an incredible energy, he could even influence matter, but it freaked Cosmo out to no end if he would be able to do it.   
_How do you know those are your powers?_ the little voice spoke up again.   
What were his powers anyway? He had no clue because he refused to know more about them. Maybe he wasn't a magician like Ace.....   
"Damn!" he whispered and sat down outside the Express, hugging his knees to his chest. It was getting colder by the minute and he was shivering, but the most coldness came from inside. "Why me?" he asked the silent dock around him.   
Was it chance? Some freak accident? Hereditary? Whatever it was, he didn't want it!   
Cosmo buried his head in his hands. He didn't know what to feel now. He wanted to scream, to kick and beat something, to hide and never resurface..... to turn back time.   
_You helped save Ace_, the voice whispered. _Your insistence kept him alive_.   
But it's over now! I don't want it to happen again!   
_Even if it means helping Ace once more?_   
He swallowed and something inside of him twisted painfully. Ace needed his help sometimes, yes, and he wasn't the person to deny that Cosmo was his partner and that he appreciated him. What if he didn't acknowledge his abilities? What if he hid them, refused to train, and in the end.... killed Ace? Cosmo shivered. No!   
But... but.....   
Confusion rose and fed the frustration inside him, drowning out everything else. Whatever he did, whatever his decision was, a part of him would suffer, maybe even die.   
Cosmo leaped to his feet and felt nervous energy course through him. When he forgot all his other worries he could even feel something deep inside of him that he had felt there before; sometimes; not often....   
"No!" he hissed, quickly walking away from the Express.

*

It was early in the morning when Cosmo returned. He had spent the night partying at different clubs after staying with his friends at the video arcades as long as possible. He had tried to forget what had happened by challenging some of them to a game or dancing with Ulene. It hadn't eased the pain and it had not erased the memories, but at least it had let him forget for just a few minutes an hour.   
Ulene had seen and heard the difference, had asked if he was okay, and he had lied to her. Yeah, he was fine. Maybe a bit tired. Working too hard, helping Ace with the new show for the comeback next month.... so much to do. From her expression, she had not believed him.   
Now, at 4 am, he was tired, worn, but not yet ready to give up and go to bed. He walked into the Magic Express and smiled at Zina, who padded silently through the living room. Then he frowned. Normally the large panther slept in Ace's room....   
"Angel?" he called softly.   
"Yes, Cosmo?"   
"Is Ace home?"   
"No, he left about fifteen minutes ago."   
"He left?!" At this time of the night?! "Uh, you have any clue where he went?"   
"I do believe he went to the Ring Theater."   
At 4 am?? Cosmos shook his head and almost automatically walked into the hangar where he found that the Magic Racer was gone, but the Magic Bike was still there. With a yawn he fired up the bike and left the garage. He weaved through the late night/early morning traffic, which wasn't much, and finally arrived at the Ring Theater. The Racer was parked behind the building and Cosmo stopped the bike next to it. He entered the theater through the back stage entrance. He walked along the silent corridors and finally arrived at the double doors leading to the stage. Cosmo slipped into the main hall and then stopped.   
Ace was here. He stood in the middle of the theater, bathed in a soft, diffuse light coming from the lamps usually used for emergency or night lighting of the area. His eyes were closed and magic moved all around him. Swirling lights danced through the air, imaginary creatures leaped gracefully through fiery circles, and when Ace opened his eyes, they seemed to glow with the power he wielded. It was fascinating just to watch him use his power so gracefully, so easily, but Cosmo knew how many years of training lay behind him. And he had seen what the untamed forces could do, what a loss of control meant.   
Going through some easy routines, Ace worked from one level to the next, finally channeling something akin to the Magic Force but not quite so intense, and his cape twirled in the magical winds.   
Cosmo was like hypnotized, wondering if this was what lay inside him.   
_And if it is? Are you afraid?_   
...... Yes, he finally confessed. I am.   
Ace's powers were as helpful as they were all-out destructive. He could control the elements and had so before; the very memory of those particular events gave Cosmo the willies, seeing Ace in the eye of the storm while the artificial storm raged around them. He could shake down buildings, lift heavy weights by mere thought, and create objects from magical matter. If Ace had decided to go criminal with his powers, no one would be able to stop him. Cosmo shivered again and stared at his hands as bluish green lighting lanced up into the air, dissipating in a shower of colorful sparks.   
He was a criminal. And he had psi powers. He bit his lower lip.   
_You haven't even tried_, the little voice told him firmly.   
And I don't want to, he answered softly.   
Ace stood in the middle of a gentle storm of pale blue light, raising his arms, creating a fantastic show of light and beauty. Cosmo was mesmerized, feeling a light tingle inside his very self. He ignored it, just watching Ace as he let the magic work freely, lightly, without restraints, without the sharp tinge of the Magic Force.   
Wouldn't you want to be able to do that?   
I.... I.... no! No, I don't want to be a freak!   
_Is Ace a freak?_   
He's the Magician! He's different! Cosmo argued.   
_Is he really?_   
Cosmo had no answer for it. He leaned against the door, hidden in the shadows, watching his friend as he played with a force barely anyone could really say he understood.   
"I don't want to be a freak," he whispered to his inner self. "I can't do it."   
There was no answer this time, only the powers around him.   



End file.
